What i really hate about being a junkie is that even after being off heroin for awhile now i still get that feeling like I could control it somehow. Like I have another run in me. I know that I don't logically but I can't help but get that feeling every now and then.
When I used to go to NA and AA meetings everyone would talk about how the drugs just completely fucked their life up. I always found this to be disingenuous to say the least. I look back and think "damn that was fun". Even though there was a lot of hard times, and i hurt a lot of people, the drugs were fun. I don't give a fuck who you are. if you weren't having fun while you were on drugs, you weren't doing them right.I guess for me, I will probably never be completely clean. I smoke weed, I have a beer from time to time and thats it. I don't really stress it too much. Yeah, I get lazy when I smoke, I don't get as much stuff done as I should, but fuck it.
One of the things that really piss me off about the 12 step recovery bullshit, is that it is structured to make you feel like shit for doing something that (at the time) I liked to do. Somehow guilt became this thing that I would have to deal with every fucking time i got high. Guilt for what though? Look, I think of it like this, If you really want to be completely clean, go for it, good luck. But if you can't do it, you are not a lost cause, and you're definitely not alone. I think as addicts we beat ourselves up too much. In fact, usually it's everyone else that has an issue with our drug use and/or abuse. If you're not stealing from people to support your habit, or hurting another person, then it's up to you what you put in your body.
If you do want to quit, then decide that you want to sometime have a beer, do it without the fucking shame and guilt. Because if you really want to quit, you will, if you don't you won't. It's really that simple.
But don't let these super recovery wing nuts tell you that you have to "start over" or "get in touch with your higher power" and "if you want to, you can use a rock as your higher power"
really, ...are you serious? because if I were to have a higher power, it sure as fuck wouldn't be a rock.
Here's the thing, quitting if fucking hard. All your friends get high because those are the people that are there when your doing drugs. You help each other get high. When one is sick the others help and vice-versa. So instantly you're alone when you quit. It's something you have to deal with. Another thing is that it takes time for others to get the idea of you being clean. So for awhile people will bring drugs around thinking it's like the other 10,000 times you said you were quitting.
Then you have all the emotional bullshit that catches up to you when you aren't full of drugs. It's not a cliche, you really do feel like a mess when you quit. Of course you feel like shit at that point anyway, but at least when you quit, you know there will be a time when you feel better.
Basically, I'm saying that for me, quitting sucked. I liked getting high, but when you take it to the point where you are going to die, then it becomes a choice, you to either keep going and hope you can make it last, or you can try to stay clean. If you need to pull a couple tubes (bongs) to get you by, fuck it go for it. Just remember that if you can't keep it at that level then you might want to rethink that.
I don't look at myself as a failure, I just stopped letting other people dictate how I was going to feel about whatever i want to do.
GOOD LUCK.
